Twinkies and Tube Socks By Charlie Melton

We were at “Early Bird” the other day. Our friends were discussing what they’re going to buy the Grandkids for Christmas, which is also known as the “Max Credit Season”. They were throwing out the idea of an iPhone 77xrT or a Sony Play-depot. I had to put the skids on that crazy talk right away.

The “Generous Grandparent” shtick is wrong for several reasons. Let’s see if I can get through them before my nap time.
Firstly, if you spend a bunch on the Grandkids then your adult children will see that you have money. They’re keeping score. Mark my words, if you buy a big-ticket item for Christmas, by Easter your kid is going to be moving in. You may say, “that’s not that bad”, but you’re wrong. Anytime an adult returns home, they bring their problems but not their money. Let the adult child move in and you’re putting a posting a big sign saying, “Crazy ex-spouses, bill collectors, and parole officers, come on over”. I’m telling you, let them move back in and they’ll use up your patience as fast as they use up your toilet paper and your Denny’s coupons. It’ll all be because you overspent on the little kids.

Spending big on the Grandkids will cause them to expect the same or better in the future. I bought my Grandson a bike tire one year. Not an entire bike, just a really good tire. In February he called and talked me into giving him a dollar for every “A” on his report card. That semester I ended up having to shell out like $4. The next semester it went up to $6 because he aced everything. This went on forever. His expectations about broke me. Thankfully, he dropped out of college before I ended up in the poor house. I was terrified I’d have to choose between him and the Pie-of-the Month Club.

Spending big on the Grandkids takes from more important things. If you buy an expensive Christmas gift you won’t get to take the Valentine’s Day Bingo Bus to Tunica. You may miss the big Star Trek Cruise out of New Orleans because you blew all your money on Air Jordan’s. The senior citizen economy will suffer. You may usher in TEOTWAWKI (The end of the world as we know it). Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Another bad effect of overspending on the Grandkids is that it puts undue pressure on the parents. Okay, you’ve got me. That’s a good reason to overspend on the Grandkids. It’ll make them think that you’re much better than the parents. Every time they get mad at home they’ll tell your half-witted son-in-law “Grandpa doesn’t even have to work and he’s better at everything than you!” That’s a wonderful thought. Even though this reasoning is tempting, don’t spend big.

So, if we can’t spend a bunch on the Grandkids what can we spend? One word: Dollar Tree. That’s a store near almost every Wal-Mart in the Galaxy. It’s a good store, even though they can’t seem to get their merchandise priced. You can go in and get a cartful of toys and “may work for a minute” electronic accessories for less than a Chocolate Silk pie. I call that a win.

You can also go “old school” for Christmas. Go to the store and get a big pack of “one size fits all” tube socks. Break them down and give each kid a pair. They’ll love it and in turn, love you for thinking of it. You’re welcome.

Don’t adapt this to packs of underwear because that’s just weird. I guess you could apply this to Twinkies but not packs of hot dogs.

Speaking of dogs, don’t go to a shelter and get a dog for the children. Even though it’ll make you look like a saint while it tortures the parents, it’s a bad idea. Rescuing a dog can cost you over $29. Get them a cat. Cat’s are everywhere and they’re pretty much free. You’ll be a hero with the little ones and won’t be out much money at all.

Remember, don’t throw good money after good Grandkids. Don’t give your grown-up kids a chance to eradicate you and your meager toilet paper rations. Sometimes less is more. After all, who doesn’t like Twinkies and tube socks?

Fini.