Now that I’ve been retired for most of a month, I’m what you call an “expert”. Stay tuned for some helpful hints to make a success of your very own retirement.
As a retiree, you should be concerned with your money, your time, and your relationships.
The first issue with retirement is money. This is where you should have planned ahead. I don’t mean by saving money, because that’s boring. A few months before retirement form a lottery pool. Get everyone at work to sign on. Peer pressure is useful in shaming people into each giving you a couple of bucks a week. Keep collecting for the lottery after you retire. This is income if you don’t buy the ticket. It’s tax-free money. If someone wants actual proof you bought the tickets you collected for, act like you forgot them. If pressed, you can always get the lottery place to give you old tickets that losers have thrown away. Just tell them that you want them for an art project at the old folk’s home. Use them as the required proof of intent when gathering the lottery pool funds. Remember this income is tax free and won’t affect your social security.
Manage your time well and make every minute count. Get up early. If you sleep in you’ll screw up your nap time. If you get up at about 5:00 and start posting to Facebook, everyone will think you’re doing stuff. Maybe post a thing about a marathon. Everyone will think that you got up and ran. Image is everything. Maybe post a selfie of yourself in running garb. You can feel good about yourself while you watch daytime TV.
You’ve gotten up early, so make sure you take a nap. Naps must be planned carefully. The trick is to nap without missing Andy of Mayberry or Matlock and still be ready for an early-bird dinner. It takes some planning but it can be done, even without a DVR.
Eat dinner early. Not only is it cheaper, it’s also when all of your fellow retirees eat. You need to be at the café when they’re at the café. That way you feel better about yourself because you will undoubtedly see someone that isn’t as well off as you are. Looking down on someone is time well spent.
Relationships are easy. You may think things like, “My kids barely come over” or “My cousins never call”. The short answer to this is “Good”. If something’s really wrong with you, and you want the creatures that share your DNA to be a part of your life, you can do certain things to mitigate the lack of interaction.
It’s easy to get your kids to come over. Get some snacks and drinks ready. Send a text your adult child’s phone “911”. Do not answer when they call back. If they live in the local area they’ll be over in a few minutes. Have a nice visit. Beware of doing this if the kids live in another state. They’ll call the police to do a welfare check. When the police come they won’t be in a mood to visit and have tasty treats.
As for your cousins, you can get them to talk to you even if they don’t want to. Get them emotionally invested in an imaginary relative’s shocking demise. Just call and say, “Aunt Myrtle just passed away”. Make up a connection to Myrtle. “Myrtle is your Dad’s illegitimate daughter by that female serial killer back in the 40’s. You remember, she’s the one who killed everyone at a family reunion.” They won’t remember because you just made it up but it’ll keep the family talking for generations. Just make it good.
If you do all of this, most of your days will be full. Mix in a couple of trips with other seniors, some doctor visits, and a good Wi-Fi connection and you’ll have a full retirement. You’ll wonder how you ever had time for work. I know I do.
Fini.
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