A Real Man Can

MacGyver, MacGyver, MacGyver. I’m sick and tired of this MacGyver crap. Now that TV ran out of ideas and is rebooting that series, you hear it all of the time. Even thinking the name makes my jaws clench. I really want to kick something whenever someone compliments me by calling me that name. There’re several reasons why the name makes me want to kick something.

MacGyver ain’t all that. First of all they make a big deal about his stupid Swiss Army knife. It isn’t even American. Here you have a hero that is supposed to be the epitome of Yankee know-how and tenacity and you give him a foreign knife? All I can say is “traitor”. If he was a real American he’d use a Buck or Case. Every guy knows that those are much better knifes than the sissified foreign knifes. If he was a real American guy he’d have one of those or even a Leatherman, which has more tools on it than he knows how to use.

MacGyver ain’t all that because he doesn’t do stuff like a real guy. For example, I remember an episode when MacGyver was locked in a freezer. To get out before he froze, he devised a fancy way to bust the lock. That’s just stupid. He never looked to see what there was to eat in the freezer. It could have been full of ice cream or frozen pies, but he’ll never know. Besides that, if he was a real guy he’d kick the crap out of the door until it opened. That may not be worthy of a prime-time drama, but it’s realistic.

MacGyver ain’t all that because he ain’t from here. That sounds a little cocky, but it’s true. A guy around here can do things. I’ve seen a guy replace a u-joint on his car with #9 wire and an old inner tube. MacGyver wouldn’t do that because he’d screw up his girlie little manicure. I’ve seen a guy throw a chain around a stump and yank it out of the ground with his truck. MacGyver would have to hack a space laser to remove a stump. I doubt if he could even get a truck into gear, let alone work a chain. He’d probably spend all day trying to push the chain instead of pull it.

MacGyver ain’t all that because he carries a “man-bag”. That’s a purse. It’s also called a messenger bag. Guys don’t carry them. Look around, you won’t see any real guys carrying one. If you go to the hippie quadrant of any city you’ll see guys with purses and man-buns. They can’t fix stuff like a regular guy and neither can MG.

MacGyver ain’t all that because of his hair. I know it was the 80’s, but jeez. If it was a proper mullet, it’d be OK. A lot of guys had mullets. No guy I ever knew had hair like MacGyver. I’m pretty sure he had mousse or some other metro-sexual product in it. I’ve known a lot of guys that can build and fix a lot of stuff, and none of them looked like they used product in their hair. Even if they had hair, most rarely combed it. It is just another indicator that MacGyver is a fraud.

So when you see a guy rigging something up or doing an unorthodox fix, don’t call him “MacGyver”. That’s an insult. Call him a fixer, or a problem solver, or a “good old boy”. Mostly you can call him a “Man”. Never curse a man by calling him the MG word or he may throw a chain around you and yank you right out of the ground.

Next time I’ll lay bare the grizzly facts about that Grills guy.

Fini.