Phone Stupid By Charlie Melton

I feel like I’ve told you this before, and in a way I have. It’s the same sort of stuff over and over. A while back I told you how my Grandson “accidently” punched his TV because he was mad. The truth came out that he really punched to see if he could break it, and he could. I wrote about the multiple days, multiple miles, and multiple nerve pills it took to get the TV replaced with the “Easy, No Risk, Breakage Warranty”. I swore I wasn’t going through that again. The kid thought I was stupid for being upset about it. After all, I have no purpose in life than to clean up after him.

I just went through that and more, but this time it was with a phone. I’m upset because, I’m stupid.

A couple of years ago we got the boy a phone. While it was an iPhone, it was the cheapest Apple device ever made. I think it was the coal powered steam-punk phone. He survived and successfully followed the “US Grandparents Code of Phone Rules” He did well except for when he used it on Facechat and offered green cards to random Russian women. I think the term for that is “Catfishing” but I can’t be sure, because, once again, stupid.

Since he did well and ICE never called us, we upgraded him to an iPhone X. That’s a fancy moniker for $780 we’ll never see again, but hey, I live to serve him. We bought him an expensive high-dollar impact-resistance phone case. The rule was that the phone never, ever, under any circumstances, came out of the case. As added insurance we bought the “added insurance”. All of these add-ons brought us up to around $1,000, or a month’s pie allowance. I was happy to get it for him, because, I’m stupid.

So about a minute into the new phone, we inexplicably removed the phone from the case. We showed our friends the phone out of the case and pretended to throw it. Then, we dropped it and broke it

After my blood pressure went below the danger zone I started the process of getting it replaced by the added insurance. Question #1 was “Is the front glass broken?” I answered yes, and found that was a $39 fee to get it replaced. I was angry and told the boy he was paying it out of his allowance. Question #2 was “Is the back glass broken?” I didn’t even know a phone has a back glass, but I looked and it does, and it was shattered. When I answered yes the fee went up to $200. I had to take a long peaceful walk because, I’m stupid.

Two days later, and $200 poorer, we got the replacement iPhone. After completing his remedial phone training we were good again, or so I thought. Then again, I’m stupid.

A few days later the Grand-kid decided to put his phone up early in the evening. I should have been suspicious. When he didn’t grab it the first thing in the morning I knew something was wrong. Even though I’m stupid, I got him to admit that he dropped the phone in the warm, soapy tub and it stopped working.

After cooling my temper with an even longer walk and significant time in the Bible, I started working on the phone. The company says that it’s waterproof but nobody told the phone. Two days with the phone in dry rice didn’t repair it. I contacted the “added insurance” company and they sent us a new phone, no charge.

We got phone number 3, which worked. My head still throbbed a bit, but things were OK. I followed return instructions and put the bad phone in the pre-paid mailer. It said to put it in a mailbox, and I did because, I’m stupid. Luckily I took a picture of the tracking number on the package.

A week later I got a reminder call that I had to return the broken phone. I’d done that, but checked the tracking number to see where the phone was. It was nowhere. It didn’t exist in the mail universe. I called the post office, but they couldn’t help me. Days came and went as I checked the tracking number almost constantly waiting for it to pop up. It didn’t for weeks.

I called the “added insurance” overlords who only knew that I owed them a phone or $780. I appealed to their sense of humanity but I don’t think they have any. I hoped for the best because I’m stupid.

Eventually I did a lost-mail inquiry. A week later it came back that I had to supply more information, which was the stupid color of the stupid phone. I guess they have lots of phones in limbo and they want to make sure they get the correct one. I provided the color and waited for a response.

The lost mail report hasn’t been resolved but somehow the post office in Memphis scanned my package. How it got to Tennessee without leaving Illinois I’ll never know. Three days later the packaged phone was delivered to Nashville, which is like 7 inches from Memphis.

None of this makes sense to me. I don’t know why a teen even needs an expensive phone. I don’t know why a teen won’t guard it like it’s the Holy Grail. I have no idea why packages disappear, only to surface in weird places. I have no idea why it takes a package weeks to go a couple hundred miles. I mean, if I’d walked it to Nashville I could have gotten there and back with time left to get shot and robbed in Memphis.

I don’t understand any of this because I’m stupid.

Incidentally, I’m still waiting on a release from the insurance. This story may never end.

Fini.