Cat Heaven

The theory is that there exists a “Multiverse” or “Omniverse”. The theory proposes that in addition to our known universe there are infinite parallel universes. If I understand it properly, anything that could happen here did happen in one or more of the other universes. That means that somewhere there’s an old me with hair. There may even be a universe where I’m tall and can play baseball, but that may be a stretch. Anybody that’s watched Star Trek knows about Multiverse, and that’s pretty much everybody in all universes. Please stick with me, and let me explain.

I live in a houseful of cat persons. I don’t mean that I’m infested with some weird hybrid creatures. What I mean is that my family likes cats and for some odd reason they keep them in the house. I know, it doesn’t make sense to have an animal or a teenager in the house. I’m powerless to stop either practice.

This particular cat, Pepe is now living in cat heaven, if cats can go to heaven. I’m on the fence about all cats being evil, but I can entertain other realities. The family mourns this cat, so I’ll allow the possibility that he could somehow be in heaven. My grandson wistfully commented that Pepe is in heaven, chasing birds and squirrels and napping in the sun. My Grandma Fern always said that whatever makes you happy will be in heaven. If true, then Pepe gets the hunt and nap section of heaven.

OK, I have a problem with that. We’ve all been taught that heaven is a perfect place where it’s all happiness all the time and forever. A cat, any cat, likes to chase and maim smaller animals. If a cat thinks, which I doubt, he’ll fantasize about chasing and catching tasty little creatures. He may daydream about jumping into the sky and catching that irritating bird in flight. The cat may think catching helpless little balls of fluff is heavenly.

What about the bird or mouse in cat heaven? Those critters ain’t liking it if cats are there. They have a dimmer view of a heaven with cats than I do of spending eternity with my ex-mother-in-law. How can it be heaven if they’re running from immortal cats? It can’t be. How can it be my heaven if I’m subjected to a monster-in-law forever? It can’t be.

Maybe eternity is like the Omniverse or Multiverse. There are an infinite variety of heavens specially designed with you in mind. If there’s an angelic mouse at the gate of mouse heaven he may direct the destination of the demised vermin. “Mickey, you pushed Mortimer into a trap. You go to mouse hell, which is cat heaven. Prepare to run.” On the other hand if Minnie has met the mouse ideals she can go to mouse heaven with unlimited cheese. I guess that will make it cheese hell. It may go on forever.

As I developed this theory I made my grandson and wife listen to me explain it. I was thrilled at the brilliance of my new “Theory of Everything Eternal”. My wife was less than thrilled. My Grandson sat in absolute agony, which proves my theory. For him it was horror to have to listen to me in my happiness. My heaven is his hell.
This is blowing my mind. If this were true it would become very complex and hard to balance. That adds more proof to the idea of the Omnipresent and Benevolent Creator that actually takes care of all of us.

As I sit here, torturing my grandson with thoughts of eternity and things unrelated to the puberty agenda, I like this theory more and more. If you believe that we’re all connected then this makes perfect sense.

Maybe this is just a stupid idea, and heaven is just like my Grandma always said it was. Maybe it really has gold-paved streets leading to eternal pie shops and perfect recliners. That would be better than ever going to ex-mother-in-law heaven, because it would mean I’m in a very bad place for a very long time.

When I revealed this theory to my brother he said that he had shared it as a meme on what engineers call “the internet”. While that may be true in his universe, in this one I invented it all alone, down to the mouse names. My universe, my rules.

Fini.