AI Apocalypse

We’re supposed to be paranoid. Some of the brightest minds of this or any century have issued dire warnings. Books and movies have been created about it for decades. The threat is “Artificial Intelligence”, or “AI”.
Stephen Hawking warns that AI will be the biggest event in human history, with potentially disastrous results. He thinks that humans won’t be able to keep up with AI and will be replaced by machines. Bill Gates and Elon Musk echo those concerns. Both of them think that artificial intelligence is the greatest threat to of all time.
This brings to mind the scary killer robots of the “Terminator” movies. It conjures images of a stark lifeless landscape with soulless machines grinding our bones to squeeze the minerals from them. This whole “end-of-humanity” scenario is the stuff of nightmares. It seems that the potential even keeps the geniuses awake at night.
I think its bull. I think it isn’t going to happen, and I’ll tell you why.
What’s called artificial Intelligence has been around a long time. It’s been a subject almost as long as military intelligence has been a subject, but neither one really exists. They’re more of a goal than a real thing. Anyone who’s been in the service knows that military intelligence is actually the opposite of intelligence. AI is the same thing.

Very recently one of our great hi-tech firms created an AI “Twitter robot”. It was an artificial teen-age girl that could converse with others in real and meaningful ways. Let me correct myself. The robot is a teen-age girl if the real ones could ever have a meaningful conversation, which they can’t. Anyway, they invented a robot to chat with people on Twitter. It lasted only 24 hours before they turned it off. In that time it became the most obscene, vile, wretched creature ever to enter cyberspace. It advocated the most evil, decadent aspects of mankind. It seems that AI wasn’t intelligent at all.

Several companies have artificial electronic assistants. They are AI, but don’t do well at all. If you ask one to play a common song, if they do anything at all they usually play something bizarre and completely unrelated to what you want. It’s become a game to see how many stupid things the AI will do.

Self driving cars use Artificial Intelligence. The federal government has determined that a legal driver for a car doesn’t have to be human. Having driven in city traffic all over the world, I agree that drivers often are something other than an intelligent human. These drivers do things no person would ever do, so they’re something else.

As for AI operated cars, it makes sense they are on the road mainly in California. We all expect the left coast to do the weird. It’s funny that the first AI accident recently happened. The self-driving car hit a bus. Maybe it was busy on twitter and didn’t see the bus. I’m not sure if the AI driver was distracted because it was trying to get its AI assistant to play its favorite show tune. We may never know.

It is true that the military is investing your money in AI. You’ve probably seen the video of 6 feet tall robot running through the woods. You also saw that it had an umbilical cord the size of a sewer main trailing behind it. I wasn’t impressed. If we have these robotic soldiers it’s only a matter of time before they get their cords all tangled up and run into a tree.

The biggest reason I don’t think AI is scary is the internet experience. What do I mean by that? The internet has unlimited resources and infinite knowledge. It’s accessible by anyone, anytime, for free. What have we done with this vast capability? We haven’t solved the world’s problems. We haven’t become deep thinkers or researchers. We haven’t dug into the greatest minds in history. We invented funny cat videos. We share recipes and vacation photos. We buy shoes with one click. We dumbed-down the greatest advance in knowledge since writing was invented.

AI is going to be the same. We’ll end up with artificial mimes and robotic politicians. AI will develop even cuter cyber-kittens. Our distraction by the trivial will be complete and we’ll end up as educated as a Roomba. I don’t even want to think about where the porn industry is going to go with this. Can AI get HIV?

Don’t be afraid of AI. Be amused by it. It’s bound to do stupid things. Make sure you share it on Twitter. Maybe your AI assistant can post it for you.

Fini.

Mule Days for City Folk

Congratulations on deciding to going to Mule Days. You’re in for fun-filled days and evenings. There‘ll be great food and splendid entertainment if you immerse yourself in the culture. Here are a few hints to help insure you’ll have the best time possible.

Don’t make fun of the “mules” theme. Mules hold a fond place in our hearts. Think of them as sort of a mascot. We don’t make fun of your mascots, like the Cardinals or the Cubs. Okay, we make fun of the Cubs, but you get the idea. Respect the mule.

Always be neighborly. Don’t be the city neighborly where you don’t know your neighbors name and only talk to them to complain about their pets or the noise. We mean the Enfield kind of neighborly. We know our neighbors; we’re probably related to them. Just show folks the respect you’d show your boss or an uncle that just won the lottery.

Be sure to wave. We wave to everyone. It doesn’t matter if you know them. A wave shows respect and acknowledging the other persons value to the universe. If you don’t wave you’ll be thought of as a snob, so wave unless you have a rare neurological disorder that prevents waving. In that case, a t-shirt or a sign announcing your condition would be appropriate.

Eat up and drink deeply while you’re here. It’s my opinion that festival food, like church food, has no calories, fats, or carcinogens. It’s also hypoallergenic. Don’t worry about trans-fats or sodium. You can have a very large soda, no matter what your big city mayor says.

If you can take the pressure, competing in the cake walk could reward you with a tasty homemade delicacy the likes of which you’ve never tasted. I guarantee it.

It’s a good idea to chat with people. Folks here have a lot of knowledge that’s entertaining and informative. Keep in mind we value God, family, country, and guns- in that order. If you’re against any of those concepts, save commentary for when you get back to your like-minded folks. Be aware we complain about the government but love the country. You can insult the governor but not the state. It’s hard to explain, so maybe you should avoid deep philosophical discussions until your next visit.

Let’s say that you’re going to talk to a local fellow. You’d be pretty safe to assume he is well versed in hunting, trucks, church, and sports. Approach him, wave a bit, and then say something like, “How you doing?” or “Nice day for a pork burger.” If he growls, move on. If he acknowledges you, continue the conversation while keeping in mind his probable frame of reference. You could say something like, “I’m getting my truck ready for snipe season after church tomorrow, unless the game is on. Go mules.” He’ll instantly recognize you as a kindred spirit and confide in you. Trust me, I’m a professional.

I hope these hints serve you well in your visit to Enfield for Mule Days. If you keep this information in mind, you’ll have memories that’ll last a lifetime. You can brag to your big city friends at your next Zumba class you’ve lived life to the fullest. You’ve been to Mule Days.

Note: Mule Days are in Enfield, Illinois on the first weekend of October.